After my trip to the dinosaurs I had taken some time out of time travelling. (Too much excitement for one person!)
But on yet another rainy day (surprise surprise), Uncle Jimmy had rushed out to get some snacks that we could eat whilst we watch the latest film from his amateur film collection. It was called ‘Viking Zombies Strike Back’ which was the fourth film in the series and had been rated an overwhelming 2 and a half stars out of 10.
My Uncle insisted it was the best one yet.
As much as I would love to see zombie Vikings attacking I thought it would be a lot cooler to see the Vikings in person. So funnily enough… that is what I did!
I had high expectations for the Vikings after watching the Viking Zombie series, but they weren’t like the films at all. First of all they weren’t zombies and secondly they didn’t look quite as scary or evil as I thought. (They didn’t even have horns on their helmets!)
I landed the time machine right on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Rain was pouring down and forks of lightening lit up the sky. I absolutely hate lightening. This was obvious when a…
…fork of lightening narrowly missed the boat which made me jump and scream… actually I didn’t just scream… I squeeled like a pig! This obviously caught the attention of the Vikings on the boat and they immediately grabbed me and pinned me against the floor.
“Who are you? What do you want?!” the biggest man spat.
“I-I-I- I’m a time traveller. I’m from the future! Don’t eat me!”
“Eat you? Who do you think we are?” he then let me go and brushed the dust off my clothes. Looking hurt by such accusations.
“You’re a Viking! You kill people and rip off their heads, then when you die you come back as zombies!”
The group of Vikings were laughing.
“I’ve not ripped someone’s head off in ages! We’re not that bad!”
“But everyone tells me that…”
“Oh those English folk like to paint us so dreadfully, you know one day it’s going to hurt someone’s feelings!”
So it turns out the Vikings do have a history of killing and stealing from the English but I luckily managed to turn up on a day when they had discovered a hobby of farming and were more likely to kill a field of carrots than your local village.
The Vikings were telling me about their stories of travelling and conquering when there was a huge
and a crack of lightening flew across the sky and hit a nearby island in the distance.
The boat pulled up to the island. The trees and crops had caught on fire and smoke was filling the dark skies.
“Gentleman. The end!” the large man said with a tear in his eyes. Vikings were so much more sensitive than I was expecting.
“What is the end…?” I questioned.
As he said this the men around him squealed. (Just like I did with the lightening.) I didn’t know what Valhalla was but it was hard to ask them between the sobbing.
The crowd walked through the torched trees whilst the air grew thick with smoke and it became hard to breathe. Then from around a corner came a huge shadow of a creature. It qA huge. It didn’t look like anything I had EVER seen before.
“It’s the gods of the afterlife! We are not worthy!”
The Vikings prepared themselves to enter the afterlife, they were polishing their helmets and straightening themselves up. I wasn’t too convinced I was entering a fiery underworld and upon closer inspection I noticed something strange about the looming shadow, a long body with two big dangling eyes… surely it couldn’t be… Slimey?!
I approached the huge shadow and I could not believe what I was seeing. In all of his gooey-ness was indeed Slimey! Just chilling out, munching on some leaves.
“Slimey?! How did you get here??”
I don’t really know why I bothered asking because I knew snails couldn’t speak English, in fact they couldn’t speak full stop. Ever thought what sound a snail makes? I wonder… anyway!
I approached Slimey with a particularly juicy leaf and tried to bribe it into my hand when suddenly a pair of eyes appeared over Slimey’s shell, then another pair behind that and another behind that.
We weren’t alone.
Out from the tree’s appeared hundreds and hundreds of people. They looked angry.
“England is our land, time you went home”
They sounded just as angry as they looked and they began to creep closer and closer. I didn’t leave anything to chance and made a run for it back to the Vikings and back to the boat. As I ran past the Vikings I dragged them with me but they protested.
“Where are you going? We aren’t leaving Valhalla!”
“Look I was going to pick up Slimey and…”
The vikings went very silent, the second their eyes fell on to Slimey the blood rushed from their faces and they went as white as a ghost.
“W-w-w-what is that? Is that a.. S-S-Snail?” When I nodded in response the Vikings let out a great squeal (again) and made a run for the boat, who knew, not only were vikings super sensitive about their past but they also had a huge phobia of snails. I hid Slimey in my pocket (Which was super gross) and made a run to the boat behind the mass of Vikings.
I soon said my goodbye’s to the Vikings and made my way to the time machine, it turns out the vikings had built a bad reputation for themselves around England and the rest of the country that had yet to be invaded had been prepared for their arrival and were ready to protect their land.
The Vikings and the English decided to split the country down the middle and live happily ever after, the Vikings weren’t interested as they had too many snails on that side of the island anyway.
Until next time! Comment away and I will see you soon!